I worked from 1-something-pm to 4:44pm (now typing this). I listened to metal music the whole time (especially System of A Down). I had pure focus the entire time and only skimmed at the phone thrice. My productivity was superb. I finished everything that I set out to do for today. My body was shaking intermittently during the first hour, and then I cried my fucking eyeballs out in the last hour or so. But I never stopped working even though I was shaking and crying. I’m going downstairs for a cigarette now. And maybe I’ll binge watch Facebook reels again, but this time it’s ok because it’s my scheduled breaktime. For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to doing stuff tomorrow.
p.s. if anyone is reading this, remember that the ONLY way you can support me is to say nothing. At least for now. I can finally see a picture in my head. The picture is clear as day. The picture is so beautiful and yet it’s almost as impossible as an absurd dream. It’s fragile. I’m fragile. The noises are so loud in my head. I can fly like a superman but the moment you wake me up I’ll fall to the ground. So just don’t say anything. Even me I am not allowed to talk to myself about it (hahaha).