I met my friend Chu Ming yesterday. Long talk. Wonderful talk. If I had time I’d elaborate more later.
I think I woke up the first time today around 10am. I think. Because I never opened my eyes. My mind and body were still asleep. Have you ever had a depressed day where your mind and body were extremely tired and no matter how hard you tried you just couldn’t get out of bed? I had that a lot too. But no, it was a little bit different this morning (it’s 1:22pm by the way; I fell asleep and just woke up again).
Yes my mind was tired. Yes my body was tired. I know that because they were talking to each other. At first I was my own mind and I was talking to the body. The body then became a foreign object. At that moment I could still control and feel my body, although I was no longer a part of my body. We talked a lot. But I already forgot most of the things we talked about. At some point, I ejected myself from my own mind too. So now I was neither my body nor my mind. They were still talking to each other and I was kind of just… watching from the side? I don’t know how to explain it because I don’t full understand it myself. It’s ok though I don’t need to understand everything. love mysterious things too. And by the way we talked in both words and pictures, which is the main reason why I’m typing this down right after I woke up. Words to me are for recording and reporting only. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I’m over the moon. This is exactly how we used to talk when I was a small child. We used to talk with pictures all the time. Sometimes I saw pictures that were very carefully crafted, with carefully placed props and perfectly lighted background and people in beautiful “costumes”. Like a movie scene. Other times it would be really random objects super morphing into each other, like a lego-like cloud turning into a cannon and then turning into trees kind of thing. Half the time I understand the purpose of those things but half the time I didn’t understand what it meant; I just sit and enjoy the show.
I was so happy that my mind and body came back to talk to me like that. Even my brothers came to visit me for a short while (I used to project myself into dolls and a few of them were my biological brothers; I only call them dolls because that’s what they look like to people outside of my world, but once they are in my world they are very alive and they are my brothers, my dearest bonds; over the years [maybe all the way up to 15 or something or maybe sometime earlier] we started mentally preparing with each other that we would eventually had other priorities in the physical world and maybe one day we would even stop hanging out. It was years of mental preparation but eventually we all moved on gracefully). I might have cried a little bit when I saw my brothers. We didn’t spend much time together this time but they’ve grown a lot in their own ways. They didn’t grow like how I hoped they would’ve grown, but they are still beautiful and perfect in their own way, and that’s why I still love them. And after all these years they came back to see me, at a time when I needed them the most. That’s why there’s no other option for me but to love them.
But yea, I was the most happy when my mind and body came back to talk to me like that. Me, my mind and my body were close when we were kids. And just like what happened between me and my brothers, I slowly drifted apart from my mind and body as well. By the time I got to university I practically had never talked to them ever since. Or rather, they almost never showed themselves again (they still did sometimes, in my dreams; go read “the battles with dreams”). In the past I used to take it for granted that they would just be there. Only when they disappeared that I realized that wasn’t the case. Well, I thought that was part of “maturing”. I thought that’s what people would call “being adult”.
I can’t even begin to tell you how lonely it feels to be separated from your own body and mind. Before Cambodia, I was never lonely in the physical world. Even if I felt lonely it would be the “other world”. In the last few years I did a lot of things to make myself numb. I drank alcohol. I smoked weed. I did mushroom and other drugs. I did repetitive stuff like chess and social media. I think the worst thing that I did though was “mingling with an average person”. Spending time with average people was what fucked with me the most. I became less of myself each day. Remind you I didn’t talk much with my own body and mind anymore, but still I could somehow feel that they were just really bored by average people. Because average people were really really really boring. I’m sorry but that’s true. I don’t think I can hide that anymore.
People often say that I’m gifted in languages, or talented in maths, or smart on the street, or intelligent with paperwork. I think that’s really boring. Again, remember that I used to be very happy in the other world. (Call it mental illness or neglect or autism or whatever <— again it doesn’t matter if you’re my parents or friends or classmates, if you’re telling me these things that means you’re just another average person, sorry not sorry). This physical world. This physical world where you and I meet. This is not my first world. Cantonese is not my first language. English is not my second language. Physics and maths are not the same in my first world. In my first world we don’t build houses and cars and stuff like you do in this physical world. And yet I decide to learn these things because I think that these things are fun. These things are fun to me. They are like toys to me. They are just like legos to me. But an average person really does come and try to drag me into their boring world. No I’m not in a lack of compliments. I don’t need attention either. If you find it fun too then come and do it with me, if you have to stress yourself out to do it then get the fuck away from me. I’m having a lot of fun playing with human languages and Maths and cooking and singing, if you don’t have fun doing it then fuck the fuck off.
I am so happy that my mind and body and brothers came back to visit me. I’m sorry that I took you for granted. I even neglected you and avoided you for some time. It’s ok if you want to run away now. This time it’s me who needs to chase after you and tell you that I love you.